Making changes is hard…
Good morning! I didn’t get around to posting yesterday, so I’m posting today.
The reason I didn’t post yesterday is this: I’m dealing with a phase of depression right now. I know that a few weeks ago, I wrote that I didn’t want to start taking antidepressants, because I didn’t want to interfere with my currently working medication.
Well. Yesterday, I had my doctor prescribe an antidepressant. Why? Because I realized that I was showing a considerable amount of symptoms of depression, and because I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
This doesn’t mean that I am suicidal, not at all. But for the past year, my life has been feeling like a constant struggle. Like no matter what I did, it was all so exhausting, and it was so, so hard to get myself to do anything, all the time. It’s exhausting. And it’s not how I want to live my life. I wanted to feel like things were normal again. I want to be able to feel happy, and light.
Which is why I’ll be starting an antidepressant this week.
Getting to this point wasn’t easy for me. It took some time for me to consciously realize that something was wrong. It took another while for me to accept that I need help. And it was really hard to bring this up with my doctor, to actually ask for the help I need. Making changes is hard for everyone. But if you’re dealing with depression on top of ADHD, like so many of us are, it can seem impossible.
So I want to tell you today: You can do it. It’s hard, but it’s doable.
Personally, I got myself a copy of the PHQ-9, printed it, filled it in, evaluated it, and basically handed my doctor the diagnosis. Maybe your problem right now isn’t like this. But I think there’s still a point here: Break things down into smaller steps. You know. Like you’ve been told by everyone a million times before now. Which doesn’t mean that everyone was wrong.
I realize that breaking things down also takes effort, and energy, and spoons, and well, sometimes you just don’t have any of those things (quite literally, when it comes to doing the dishes…). You can still do it. Maybe not right now, but you’ll get there. Find the easiest possible way to start, and then make the changes you need.
Maybe you need a new job. Start by just looking over the job offers in your local paper. Maybe you need to clean your place. Start by cleaning one corner of one room. Or maybe you want to do something else. Just find a first step, and take it. Then you can take the next, and so on. That’s how change can happen, even if you’re really not feeling up to it right now.
For me, I’m hoping that this new medication will help me be more myself again. Honestly, I would just love to experience some genuine joy about something. Haven’t managed that in a while. I am worried, sure, about the side effects, about how this new medication will interact with my current meds, about whether or not it will help me or make things worse. Those things are scary. But if I can get a shot at getting better? I think it’s worth it.
Okay. That’s all for today. I have a surprise day off, and a lot of stuff I would like to do. So I’ll get started and see how long it takes for my brain to go “Ugh, do we really need to do something? There’s a perfectly good couch and TV right there!” today.
See you next week, maybe. If not, have some happy holidays!
Image by revac film’s&photography