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Happy Monday: Jobhunting is my nightmare

This is approximately my mood, and the weather today (aka it's grey and rainy and I'm stressed and frustrated).

 

Happy Monday! How are my fellow ADHD folks doing today? Me, I’m kind of stressed and frustrated, so not the best start into this week for me.

Why am I stressed and frustrate? Well, it’s kind of an extensive story, but it all comes down to this: I have problems with my knee, that cause problems with my job, and I just generally feel like I should move on to something different, but that’s easier said than done.

You see, I like my job. Working with kids is fun and the colleagues are mostly nice. But the job I’m doing at the moment just isn’t good for me, for multiple reasons. Number one beeing, that being an ADHD adult, I need a regular schedule, but right now I work as a substitute daycare worker, so my hours are different every week, and sometimes I don’t even know if and where I’m going to work that day until 8:30 in the morning. Which, you know, might be great for some people, but it isn’t for me. Reason number two is more recent: There is something wrong with my knee, I don’t know exactely what, but I know I shouldn’t put too much strain on it by making bending motions. Which is kind of hard to avoid when you work with people who are a considerable way shorter than yourself. So. All in all, my current work situation is less than perfect.

And I would love to do something else, the thing is, that’s not all that easy either. Because there are few jobs out there that I can get genuinely excited about, and can actually, physically and mentally do, and even for the ones there are, I’m finding it impossible to get started on applying. I don’t know what is going on with my brain, really, but it’s not playing along at the moment.

Also, what I really want is to be self employed (and I have some ideas what I would like to do, too), but that’s not that easy either. Because I probably wouldn’t make money right away, but would still need to pay for stuff. Plus, we’re still planning on buying/building a house, so living on one income alone isn’t really an option right now.

And you know what all of that amounts to? Depression! Yay!

I mean, yeah, I’m aware that being brought down by external events doesn’t equal depression, but being brought down by external events, plus having zero drive and just feeling generally overwhelmed by everything and not seeing how I can dissolve this situation? Sounds a lot like depression to me. But now, what do I do with that realization? It’s not like there’s an easy way out of this. I’m guessing I’ll just have to try and fight this low I’m experiencing right now as much as I can, and accept that that’s just the way things are right now. And who knows, maybe I’ll have some great idea, or I get a day of proper motivation, and manage to apply for a job I can actually get excited about. It happens, right?

But anyway, I feel like jobhunting with ADHD is generally such a nightmare! There is so much information to process, and then the amount of excutive function required to get started on potentially getting that job, it’s just awful. Plus, in the end there’s always the chance that you just won’t get the job, and the entire effort didn’t turn out anything at all. I mean, no wonder I’m having such a hard time getting myself motivated to even apply for a job (even though there actually are two jobs I could see myself doing, that have approximately the right hours etc… I just keep getting stuck at the point of sending an email to find out if these jobs are still available, because if they are, I’ll have to send in my resume, and I haven’t done any work on that in a while, and just opening up the files to take a look feels overwhelming. And why? Because my brain doesn’t see the same need to function as I do right now.

That’s really not fun. It’s frustrating. Plus, job interviews are also not my ADHD brains favorite thing to do. You see, I have a lot of anxiety about talking too much and too fast at an interview. And on top of that, depending on what kind of day it is, I always run the risk of my brain zoning out during the interview process. Which is so embarassing, since I really want to listen, and understand what I’m being asked about. Because, you know, I’m actually really clever and competent. But I’ve noticed a tendency my ADHD brain has developed recently, where it tends to zone out while I’m talking during an inteview. And believe me, it’s not fun to zone back in and realize you have no idea what you’re talking about in that moment.

And, oh well, I have zero solutions to these problems. So I’m guessing today is just kind of a ranty day for me. I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s feeling frustrated today, so maybe that’s not the worst thing. If anybody else feels like ranting, feel free to do so in the comments!

Alright. So, what else is new?

Well, I’m waiting to hear from my employer regarding the fact that I can’t do the jobs they scheduled for me this week. Also, today is not a productive day, which is really annoying to me, but also I’m just so tired. I’ll have my first session of phyiscal therapy for my knee later today, so I’m semi-excited to maybe, hopefully get some advice on how to handle this knee stuff. Other than that, I don’t know, I have a really busy week ahead of me, and I’m just hoping I’ll make it through without any bigger catastrophies (like going back to the ER, because I wasn’t careful with my knee).

I’m genuinely hoping that everybody else is having a way better start into this week than me!

Image by Markus Spiske