Happy Monday: Deciding is hard
Happy Monday, folks! It’s been awfully quiet around here recently, and I’m really sorry for that. The truth is, I have been feeling really well recently, and I have a million things to do, so I prioritized that.
So, why have I been feeling really well?
I started taking an additional antidepressant at the end of 2018. And I have to say, I’m seriously glad I decided to take that step. My attitude towards my life has improved so much! I actually enjoy doing my job again! I’m motivated to get stuff done, and invest time in self-care! It’s incredible, how much easier, how much less of a constant uphill struggle, my life has become since I started those meds.
Also, by way of investing more time in self-care, I’ve managed to eat better, exercise more frequently (though still not regularly), and to take up short mindfullness sessions in the morning. I’ve also started a new morning routine, that includes some time for slouching around, but with a therapy lamp turned on, as well as personal hygiene and meditation. Which makes me feel way better about starting the day. Although, even though this sounds like I’m killing it, I have to admit that it’s still hard to stick to this routine. And I’m still struggling with not spending too much time on my phone, especially with wedding planning slowly kicking into gear.
Speaking of which, I’ve been having some interesting experiences lately, that I’ll hopefully get around to sharing with you guys in some extra posts soon. For now, here’s an update on how things are going: We’ve finally found a venue we both love (like, seriously, I’m crazy about that place), and that’s probably in the budget I could spend on a wedding venue without feeling super guitly about spending so much money. I’ve also come up with some ideas on how to include my family into our wedding and the preparations. And I’ve spent some time with my mother, looking through her vast collection of old stuff nobody has used in decades, and found some cool pieces that we could include in our wedding decor. Next up is a bit of budget planning, booking the venue, finding a photographer, and getting our clothing for the day. Lots to do.
In non-wedding related news, I might get a new job very soon. Like, next monday. Even though I really enjoy doing my job recently (though not so much the organizational stuff that comes with it), I’ve applied for an in-house position, so to say. My employer is looking for someone to do IT support for our day care units. Which, well, I’m literally perfect for. And I could work from home, which is a major plus, for financial, aswell as ADHD related, and ecological reasons. But also, I would have to work mondays, which I’m seriously unenthusiastic about. And I’m not really ready to quit working with kids yet. I might have to increase my work hours. And my gut is feeling kind of queasy about it.
But also, what does my gut know? I mean, yes, I’m usually a strong believer in trusting your gutfeelings. I’ve done pretty well doing that, so far. But with this job, I can’t help but realize that my gut feeling is off. Because there really aren’t that many downsides to it. I’d still have the same employer, and I could go back to doing my current job any time I want. So why wouldn’t I take it?
That’s the question I can’t really find an answer to. And I’m wondering, if this gut feeling of mine, is really just ADHD induced fear of change. I like my life right now. I’m happy with the routines and processes I’ve established. I don’t really want to shake that up. Plus, I’m looking at extra work anyway, with the wedding coming up this fall.
And still, I can’t help but think that it would be foolish to not take that job. The interview went really well, I’d have more responsibility, I would have regular work hours again, I wouldn’t have to drive as much. Honestly, I’m not sure why I’m listening to my gut, or my ADHD brain, at all here.
So I think I’m going to take the job. But I don’t feel very good about it. Which is not something I like, and have so far managed to avoid, by trusting my gut. Deciding in this case is seriously hard. Even though, in rational reality, this is a no-brainer.
I’m honestly quite lost about this at the moment. Especially because I’m finding it so hard to go against my gut. Or, probably more precisely, my ADHD brain. My brain has so far served me well when it came to decision making. Until now, I’ve always had good, rational reasons, on top of my gut feeling, to do or not do something. And until now, ignoring my gut feeling hasn’t ended up too well for me. So now that I have the rational reasons to take the job, but the gut feeling not to take it, it’s really throwing me off. But then again, risky behavior is part of the ADHD brains job description, so why not take this risk?
Ultimately, I’ll probably decide on taking the job. What else could I do, really? Pass up an honest to God chance to do something I’m good at, and that might give me a push forward, just because I’m scared? I think not. But getting to that point is still really tough, and mentally challenging. I guess I’ll just have to get through that.
All right, what else is up in my life this week? I’m on call for the thrid week in a row, so while I’m kind of looking forward to work, the constant flexibility this requires is starting to wear me down. But also, I have two coffee dates with old friends of mine this week, that I’m really looking forward to! Plus, if all goes well, we’ll be done with the venue search by the end of this week, which yay!
I hope everyone is alright, and that you’re all having a terrific start into this new week!
Image by Di Lewis